I’m not sad
These are just symptoms of withdrawal.

Because eventually, you; my addiction;
Instead of getting me high like you used to
You started to hurt me, badly
And in order to keep my sanity I had to quit you.

I’m not sad
I’m just trying to adjust to a life without my favorite drug.

A drug that drained me of life
All the whilst smiling, holding my hand
But then you let go of my cold, fragile hand
And I’ve been trying to climb out of your hole ever since.

I’m not sad
I just… miss you, that’s all.

But even though I still hate you
With all the hate God’s given me to fairly distribute
I can’t get myself to stop thinking of you
To stop craving you

I’m not sad
I’m trying to survive without my addiction

God knows I have too many,
But you’re the worst, the strongest one of all
You’re Heroin disguised as an innocent cigarette
That I so willingly smoked.

I’m not sad
I’m just missing pieces of my heart!

And I need my puzzle put together again
So I can breathe, so I can feel something other than you
Running through my frigid veins
So I can stop the shivering in my bones.

I’m not sad…
I’m just slowly and gradually going mad.

© Copyright 7ala Abdullah

Tearing off the last piece
Of what was left of the old me
The last trace of humanity
The last shred in my body
That allowed anyone to control me

Because it’s true
All this time I’ve been used
Alone; I’ve always been on my own
Smothered in un-kept promises
Covered in lies and tragedies
Surrounded by parasites
Aliens; figures that are distant
Not sure of their existence
These shadows I used to call friends
But no one’s really worth it
No, not even me

I wouldn’t call this rebelling
Because to rebel means
To try and be something different
Something that isn’t really worth it
Something out of the ordinary
Something you’re not supposed to be
But all I’m doing is simply
What everyone else has done ages before me

I’m killing my heart
I should’ve done that from the start
Given it away,
It doesn’t really matter anyway
Who says I need a heartbeat to survive?
When all this time I’ve had one, I’ve never felt alive
I’m killing it tonight
Tearing it apart with the sharpest knife
Maybe then I’ll see the light
I’ll make it worth it, let the new me arrive
And if I don’t make it, I wouldn’t really care
Cuz caring’s what’s gotten me where I am

Let me just try the other method
What everyone else seems to have followed
A path that’s dark and hollow
Yes, I know I’m being selfish
I don’t really wanna help it
I’m finally going with the flow
Swimming with the rest of the fish
It’s easier just giving in
I’m gonna stop trying to be so different
I’m losing myself purposely
Letting go of the sweet old me
Next time you see me, I’ll be rude and cold
I’m bowing my head down to this ugly world

© Copyright 7ala Abdullah

It feels like a thousand years since we first met, and I still can’t breathe
It’s always you in my head, always you in my dreams
You’re like a poison, running through my veins, killing me slow
I can’t seem to let you or the thought of you go.

I know the way you like to play it; hot and cold
It’s starting to tire me, it’s really getting old
Yet still I seem to idolize you
Even though you’re the one who makes me blue.

I just can’t understand why the whole room doesn’t
Stop and stare when you walk in,
Because every single time I see you, I lose my breath
And my heart skips a hundred beats..

I lost count of the times you made me cry
Lost count of the times we said goodbye
Even though I know there will be a million more tears,
And a constantly breaking heart, losing you is what I really fear.

Love is a mistake we never stop making,
And one that hurts more each time we try to correct it
Love is a battlefield we love to fight in
And love is the reason that at night I cry.

I still can’t understand why the whole room doesn’t
Stop and stare when you walk in,
Because every single time I see you, I lose my breath
And my heart skips a thousand beats..

© Copyright 7ala Abdullah

I know it’s not beating
It must be hard having something
Just laying there in your chest
So why don’t you just confess?
Because it’s plain to see
I can tell those eyes are insincere
I try to look away
Though I wish they’d burn a hole through me
But instead they look right past me
This feeling of invisibility
Is something I know professionally

It’s strange to feel
Your fingers curling around mine
It’s the first time
That I feel a skin so rough
And it isn’t enough
That the skin that obviously
Wasn’t made to be felt
Wasn’t made to be held
Makes my own skin melt
It’s the first time I’ve dealt
With a creature like you
So heartless, and yet
You make my heart beat fast

It seems as though
You’re using my heart
Because yours won’t start.

© Copyright 7ala Abdullah

I built these walls around my heart
When I couldn’t stand how much you were tearing it apart
I couldn’t see the flaws in this plan, I didn’t think it through
I didn’t know it meant losing everyone else to be protected from you

I built this armour around my body
When your simple touch began to hurt me badly
I can’t take it off now, and I can’t even begin
To describe how painful it is not being able to let anyone in

I built these sheilds against my eyes
When I couldn’t stand to see you see me in this disguise
And now I can’t see beauty, I can’t see the sky
And it’s all because I couldn’t stand to see you smile

I built a new lock on my bedroom door
When nothing could stop me from getting to you anymore
I locked it twice and swallowed the key
When I thought you didn’t want anything more to do with me

I keep on building, but it’s hurting still
The more I do it, the more it’s against my will
I’ve managed to shut you out, that much is true
But now I look around, and it’s not only you

You’re the sole purpose of my isolation
Yet you’re still vividly alive in my imagination
In pursuit of ridding myself of you
I seem to have driven everyone else away from me, too.

© Copyright 7ala Abdullah