Still

You got to love him first.
Some days I resent you for
the way time favoured you over
me. You got 36 and I got 23,
we both felt cheated.
You loved him first.
Some days you even loved
him better, kinder, sweeter.
He didn’t hold me the way he
held you but we knew there
were parts of the both
of us in his bloodstream.
You loved him first.
Your skin is a cemetery of his
fingerprints. His closet sits
untouched in your room.
You smile.
You are bruised all over but
you are only taking care of me.
You say I have his nose.
You have his heart.
Our dreams are laced with him.
We can’t wait to sleep so he can
hold us again. He is not here
but he is here. In the walls
of the house, in our closets,
coming up the stairs. We
pretend we do not hear him
but we hear him.
When we say his name we turn
over to his spot on your bed.
Our heads still spinning.
You loved him first.
Then you gave birth to me
and we loved him together.
Now his absence lingers and
taunts me every time I inhale
and twice as hard when I exhale,
darkness instead of oxygen
seeping in and out of me.
Mama, he left us. We can forgive
him for leaving but we can
never let him go.

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