debris

there will be days when you lose
me completely
when i will try to open my mouth
to speak to you and the words
will just sit there on my
tongue: heavy, large,
entirely unable to become
sound.
there will be days when i am
just a shadow, when you
will try to look at me
but only be able to see right
through:
the ghost of who i once was –
an empty shell.
there is a sickness inside me
which constantly beckons me to
disappear.
there is a monster clawing
at me from the inside
and these days it’s always
winning. the bleeding will
start soon, i can feel it.
there will be days when you
lose me completely, where
i will disappear so
professionally you will wonder
if i ever really existed.
grand and alive as i was.
once teaching hope and wonder.
there have been days when you
have lost me, completely,
i know. you’re still looking.
every time, there is less and
less of me to be found
in the burning debris of
my breakdown.