It’s times like these when I need you the most.
It’s moments like this when I’m suffocating in the pitch-black darkness and I need your comforting arms to hold me, your soothing voice to calm my nerves… when I feel like every single cell in my body is breaking and the ever-viscous sadness is creeping out of my every tiny little pore.
My tears are pain-drenched, rushing angrily onto the pillow like the blood of a martyr. They seep into the fabric quickly to make room for the ones bound to follow. They don’t move fast enough, and soon I find myself drowning. I’m finding it hard to breathe; it’s not an easy task with this heaviness sitting in my chest. It feels like my lungs are about to collapse and I’m face-down in this pillow that reeks of sorrow.
I need you to hold my hand. Why don’t you hold my hand one last time before you leave? I need you to look me in the eyes and assure me with your smile that my world isn’t about to crumble beneath my shaky feet. Please. Please don’t lie to me and tell me that the damage is reparable. Don’t tell me that I can go on without you because I can’t.
You once said that sometimes the ending leaves you with a lot of missing pieces, but you find out later that you can live without them. Well, this isn’t one of those endings because the moment you left me, you took everything with you. You are the oxygen my organs are failing without. You are the one for whom these beats in my chest were fashioned, you are the boiling tears flowing out of these deprived eyes.
So you climb into bed with me because you find it in your heart to take mercy on me. I don’t mind being pitied, pride is something I have with people other than you. I’m watching your silhouette slip under the covers on your side of this king-size and I roll myself towards you.
“I hate you for leaving.” I whisper into your ear.
“You could never hate me.” You reply. And you’re right.
I cry quietly onto your chest. Your fingers are tracing lines across my back and it puts me to sleep like a lullaby does to a child. You’re the only one who knows how to kill my insomnia, it fears you like a deer fears a lion. It runs the other way when faced by you, and my eyelids meet one another like long-estranged lovers. You whisper I-love-yous into my ears all night long. Your voice echoes into my dreams that are already full of you.
And I’m dreaming again of how you left. I dream of the hospital, of the blood, I dream of your body lying under all that white. I dream of the doctors, of your mother, of that moment my heart stopped beating because it was just so in sync with yours. I dream of it and pretend it’s just a dream. I dream and try to forget that it’s my reality. I dream of the way you left me, I dream of yesterday.
And I wake up because you’ve gone again, and I’m still here. And even though you’ve left, I’m still haunted by your presence. And even though you’re six feet under, I’m the one who’s really dead.
© Copyright 7ala Abdullah