Nostalgia by 7ala Abdullah

It’s all about getting used to change.

Being strong enough to stay unaffected by it if it’s bad, being wise enough to be thankful for it if it’s good. Being indifferent if you realize it doesn’t affect you in any way.

But I was never strong, wise, or indifferent. I have a weak heart, a vulnerable mind, and I dwell on the littlest of details; hence proving that I could never be indifferent. Change has always caused mind-quakes in my head – and instead of buildings and houses breaking down it was always I that fell to the ground. I shook and shivered and clutched to familiarity till it cut me off from our umbilical chord and I was left there to fend for my own self. I always felt betrayed by the old and invaded by the new. I refused to believe that anything else would compare to what I had back in my beloved comfort zone. I cried and scratched and held on with all my might until all I was left with was my scars and bruises in all-new territory. I gave up on coping before I even started trying to. I longed for the past and ignored the blessings of the change that the present brought me.

Then you came like a beautiful storm of devastating unfamiliarity and robbed me of all I’d come to know. At the time, I didn’t see all that had changed because your light had blinded me to everything else around me. I was too lost in you to realize that I was just lost. Too focused on you to realize that everything around me was disappearing.

And then you, too, disappeared.

And everything I’d gotten used to and depended on to survive was gone in a second. You turned my whole life upside down and just left me there to put the pieces back together.  And I laid there helplessly with something that felt very much like pride holding me down. I convinced myself that it’ll all come back. I told myself that everything will change back if I just lay here and wait.

Stillness took over and I still refused to move. Ironically, what had changed around me had started to settle and I was the one who was starting to change inside.

And here I am after what felt like endless decades of resistance. A changed woman; I now disacknowledge predictability. I’ve molded myself into a different species of being, one that is indifferent to its surroundings. I’ve made myself into a warrior whose past is her greatest enemy. I’ve taught myself that it is the only way to survive. Come what way, I’ve turned into someone who can weather all storms without doubt or regret. In this ever-changing world, sticking with the old and known only meant that you’d get stomped on by everyone running towards the new and undiscovered. And I’d been stomped too many times to allow it to happen again.

It’s not that I’d gotten used to change. It’s that I found a way to remain oblivious to it. I’ve built a tiny little box around myself that shielded me from all things human and worldly. Things like emotions, feelings, hardships, problems, truth, lies, and what-not.

It’s working for me so far.

I’ve learned how to be content with being alone.

I’ve learned how to be strong, wise, and indifferent.

I’ve learned how it feels to be unaffected by change.

But all it takes is a little whiff of your perfume for the nostalgia to creep under my skin and undo all the work I’ve done.

© Copyright 7ala Abdullah