Gold

You were the world.
Even as an infant, I recognized
that: the story being that I
gave my very first smile to you.
You went on to redefine holiness.
Somehow the air you breathed around
you was purer, more divine.
It is no wonder I could breathe
easy then.
No wonder my heart was steady.
No wonder my hands didn’t shake.
You made me feel whole. Complete.
Safe.
For two decades, you talked
my monsters down.
You kept my fears at bay.
You made sure my universe was
kind and loving and beautiful.
You swallowed all the ugliness
inside you, keeping it far
from me, from us, from this
house that you built.
The darkness had fight in it
still. Day in and day out, it
fought to leave and you fought
back, choosing your love
over your life.
Until that day on that hospital
bed. Until your very last breath.
The monsters crawled out.
The ugliness resurfaced.
My world shattered.

I am oh so tired of existing without you.