You Love Me, Therefore I’m Alive

Six months ago you told me that you wished someone would write as passionately and beautifully about you as I write. You said you’d keel over and literally die.

Those were your exact words. I know, because I saved that conversation. Now it’s been six months, and here I am. Here we are. My poetry, my stories, my thoughts… they’re all about you. Nothing and no one else is in my head. You got exactly what you wished for, and yet, I’m not making you as happy as I wished I would.

I don’t know if you’re reading this, or if you’ve read my previous pieces. I have no way of finding out. But I wish with all my heart that you are because never before have I written with such unfiltered honesty as I’m writing to you right now. I need you to know, I need you to see. I need you to listen… I need you to believe.

When we parted I made you promise me you’d be okay. I realize that was selfish of me. I know you’ve tried, and I appreciate it, but I also know that you are not okay now. And it kills me. I know I promised you I’d be fine as well, but I can’t help but break down when I find out that I’m causing you so much pain.

And it hurts me even more when I see why you’re breaking yourself up. You think you caused this, you think you’re the source of my pain. If anything, you’re the only thing that’s sweetening the blow for me.

I don’t blame you. I don’t blame you for a single thing. And I wish you’d stop too. Do you really believe it’s your fault? Do you really believe that I believe so? Because if it was true and you really did think so, I’d wanna slap you now.

All you did was love me. That was all I asked and all I ever really wanted. What came our way couldn’t have been controlled by neither you nor I. I want you to stop believing you had anything to do with it or that you’ve in any way hurt me. Because what you really did was build me up from the nothing I always was.

What you really did was bring happiness into the lifeless strain of hazy days that was my life.

What you really did was open up the damaged and dusty piece of equipment that I used to call my heart to the beautiful soul that is your own.

What you really did was love me.

You love me, therefore I’m alive.

© Copyright 7ala Abdullah

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Sharp & Narrow Line

Please don’t tell her that I’m falling apart
And I’m finding it hard going on without my heart
Please don’t tell her that I’m feeling blue
Because if she knew
We’d end up right back at the start
And I’d end up falling really hard.

Please don’t tell her that it’s tearing me up
And that it hurts not knowing when this pain will stop
Please don’t tell her that it’s killing me
Cuz then she’d want to be
The one to hold me tight and wrap me up
And catch my tears before they drop.

Please don’t tell her she’s in my thoughts all the time
And that it’s painful not being able to know if she’s really fine
Please don’t tell her that I ask around
And that I’ve found
That between obsession and a love I’ve found divine
There’s a really sharp and narrow line.

Please don’t tell her I’ve told you that she’s the one
And that I want her back, but I need to get some things done
Please don’t tell her that I’ve found it hard resisting
This thought so persistent
That her soul and mine
Are forever entwined.

© Copyright 7ala Abdullah

Endlessly

It’s the pain in your eyes
That drew me in
That angelic disguise
That set my skin
On fire; it burned me
To the core
I had one taste of you
And I couldn’t stop wanting more.

It’s that hope in your voice
That held me up
That jubilant noise
That made me stop
Questioning; me, myself
And the burdened I
You pulled me up from the ground
And I could finally touch the sky.

It’s the sincerity in your words
That inspired me
Those heartfelt emotions
That made me feel
That you were the one
I needed around
On days I was happy
And days I was down.

It’s the passion I’ve been feeling
Ever since you opened my eyes
Those soft, gentle kisses
That triggered the butterflies
In my stomach;
And all other parts of me
You’re still my one and only
And I love you endlessly.

© Copyright 7ala Abdullah

Like A Drug

I wrote this piece about a year ago. I had an idea for a story, and when I decided to sit down and write it, this is what I chose to write for the prologue. I ended up writing 25 chapters, and then I just stopped. My favorite part of the whole thing was this piece, so I decided to share it. If you’re interested in reading the rest, don’t hesitate in letting me know.

And note that this story is entirely fictional. Enjoy!

——————————————————————————

 

I think it’s safe to say she had the bigger part of my heart.

Like Israel, she invaded my Palestine. Except she wasn’t aware of what she’d done, wasn’t aware of the damage, of the casualties. And all the other organs of my body hopelessly tried to fight it, but my heart was defenseless.

And it was sweet… Till it wasn’t.

I’ll admit, I willingly served it to her on a gold platter, but I didn’t except her to gobble it up. And gobble she did, as I watched her lick her perfect lips and smile in pure satisfaction. I watched her, and she watched me suffering. There was something so ironic about the whole situation, because as she clawed at me I wished it were the other way around.

I wished to be the one in control. I wished to have control over her soul. But I had already succumbed to her wishes and to her beauty. I was hers, even though she had no clue of it. Alas, she never wanted me.

But I wanted her. I wanted her with a passion that could easily kill a weakling. Not to say I wasn’t one, but being with her made me strong, and I knew that if I let go of that tiny shred of hope that I would inevitably crumble to pieces.

So I held on, unwanted. I held on when I should have long let go, and it hurt. Hurt because… well, you can’t exactly give someone your heart and then ask for it back, can you? So I guess I was waiting for her to be “polite” which was never really one of her strongest suits. And I couldn’t go on without a heart.

Or so I thought. Until I woke up one day and decided that my heart is something that I will be giving up. Like a drug, or so I tried to convince myself. Like an addiction, I had decided to quit it.

My name is Haley, and I am without a heart.

© Copyright 7ala Abdullah