Selfish

Tearing off the last piece
Of what was left of the old me
The last trace of humanity
The last shred in my body
That allowed anyone to control me

Because it’s true
All this time I’ve been used
Alone; I’ve always been on my own
Smothered in un-kept promises
Covered in lies and tragedies
Surrounded by parasites
Aliens; figures that are distant
Not sure of their existence
These shadows I used to call friends
But no one’s really worth it
No, not even me

I wouldn’t call this rebelling
Because to rebel means
To try and be something different
Something that isn’t really worth it
Something out of the ordinary
Something you’re not supposed to be
But all I’m doing is simply
What everyone else has done ages before me

I’m killing my heart
I should’ve done that from the start
Given it away,
It doesn’t really matter anyway
Who says I need a heartbeat to survive?
When all this time I’ve had one, I’ve never felt alive
I’m killing it tonight
Tearing it apart with the sharpest knife
Maybe then I’ll see the light
I’ll make it worth it, let the new me arrive
And if I don’t make it, I wouldn’t really care
Cuz caring’s what’s gotten me where I am

Let me just try the other method
What everyone else seems to have followed
A path that’s dark and hollow
Yes, I know I’m being selfish
I don’t really wanna help it
I’m finally going with the flow
Swimming with the rest of the fish
It’s easier just giving in
I’m gonna stop trying to be so different
I’m losing myself purposely
Letting go of the sweet old me
Next time you see me, I’ll be rude and cold
I’m bowing my head down to this ugly world

© Copyright 7ala Abdullah

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A Thousand Years..

It feels like a thousand years since we first met, and I still can’t breathe
It’s always you in my head, always you in my dreams
You’re like a poison, running through my veins, killing me slow
I can’t seem to let you or the thought of you go.

I know the way you like to play it; hot and cold
It’s starting to tire me, it’s really getting old
Yet still I seem to idolize you
Even though you’re the one who makes me blue.

I just can’t understand why the whole room doesn’t
Stop and stare when you walk in,
Because every single time I see you, I lose my breath
And my heart skips a hundred beats..

I lost count of the times you made me cry
Lost count of the times we said goodbye
Even though I know there will be a million more tears,
And a constantly breaking heart, losing you is what I really fear.

Love is a mistake we never stop making,
And one that hurts more each time we try to correct it
Love is a battlefield we love to fight in
And love is the reason that at night I cry.

I still can’t understand why the whole room doesn’t
Stop and stare when you walk in,
Because every single time I see you, I lose my breath
And my heart skips a thousand beats..

© Copyright 7ala Abdullah

The Creature That…

I know it’s not beating
It must be hard having something
Just laying there in your chest
So why don’t you just confess?
Because it’s plain to see
I can tell those eyes are insincere
I try to look away
Though I wish they’d burn a hole through me
But instead they look right past me
This feeling of invisibility
Is something I know professionally

It’s strange to feel
Your fingers curling around mine
It’s the first time
That I feel a skin so rough
And it isn’t enough
That the skin that obviously
Wasn’t made to be felt
Wasn’t made to be held
Makes my own skin melt
It’s the first time I’ve dealt
With a creature like you
So heartless, and yet
You make my heart beat fast

It seems as though
You’re using my heart
Because yours won’t start.

© Copyright 7ala Abdullah

Smelling Smiles (2)

I made sure to lock the door today.

I locked it twice, in fact. I locked it then tried to turn the knob a couple of times just to make sure. Then I walked to my bed and got under the covers. I lay there sleepless for a couple of hours before I heard the creaking of wood outside my bedroom door.

My eyes moved to the door immediately. I was comforted for a few seconds from the fact that the knob remained stable. It wasn’t long, however, before the door slowly opened up. I should have known, of course, that locking the door wouldn’t help. He waited until the door was completely open before he decided to make an appearance. I saw him standing at the door and I got goosebumps all over my body. He made a point by standing still for a few minutes. He was obviously taunting me.

He moved as slow as honey and settled in his favourite spot, standing right beside me next to my bed. I felt my hands shake and my lips quiver. This wasn’t the first time to see him, but he still gets me every time. Frustration got the best of me and I started to cry.

And this was when he frowned.

Again, this wasn’t a normal frown. It came from a non-existent face, on a non-existent body. It was a frown that seemed to shake me from the inside. Somehow, it made me stop crying.

I looked up at him in desperation. “Who are you?” I hissed, and I felt his breathing grow heavier as he brought his head closer to mine and I looked away and – in fear – closed my eyes. Again, he put his hand in mine and I gasped. He pressed harder. “Stop!” I begged. And he did.

He started to walk away. He reached the door, then stood still for a while. He turned around at me, smiled, and disappeared.

I could have sworn I felt him wink at me.

© Copyright 7ala Abdullah